By Request-Strawberry Pretzel Pie

This concoction might as well be funeral food-it's that good. Cool, crunchy, creamy, tart, tangy, sweet, and salty. Ohhh....myyyyy....guh.

2C crushed pretzels
3 Tbs sugar
3/4 C melted butter
2 8oz packs cream cheese
20-24 oz frozen, crushed strawberries
1 C sugar
8 oz Cool Whhhip
6oz box Strawberry Jello
2 C boiling H20

Preheat oven to 400.

Crush pretzels or process to coarse crumbs in food processor. If you have no processor, double bag them and beat with a rolling pin. Why do all of my deserts involve beating something?

Mix pretzels, 3T of sugar, and melted butter. Eat half. Mix more to replace what you've eaten. Press crumby mixture into 9x13 pan and bake at 400 for 8 minutes. Let cool completely. Do not rush this. Don't rush the masterpiece.

Beat cream cheese with 1C sugar until creamy. Eat half. Before driving to store to get replacement cream cheese, boil 2C water and add to box of jello. Of course, put the jello into a bowl first. Do not pour the boiling water into the box of Jello; this is not a step-saver. Let Jello cool to room temp-ish.

Upon return from the store, mix up new batch of cream cheese/sugar in the above ratios. Fold in tub of Cool Whhhip. Smooth onto cooled, pretzel crust, sealing the crust under a fluffy, white layer, leaving no crust peeking out.

Add frozen strawberries to Jello and pour gently onto white cloud of heaven. If you rushed it and the pan/crust/jello wasn't cool, you will now be watching red gel seep around the layer of fluffy white and into your golden pretzel crust like a crime scene. Nice work; you fucked it up.

Kidding. It's fine.

Hide the pan in the fridge behind the milk and something else large so the kids can't find it. It's ready when the Jello is set. Go to the bathroom and remove ring of cream cheese from around your mouth. After the children go to sleep, place half the pan into a large salad bowl, saving the remainder for breakfast. Eat in bed with a serving ladle and stew in your own blend of ecstasy, despair, and regret.